I Miss You
by jessalyn78
Summary: How I wish 9X19 could have ended with April and Jackson.
1. Chapter 1

"I don't know why this one's hitting me so hard" April said shakily as she tried to make sense of her emotions. "It's not supposed to happen this way it's- it's not right. I can't tell him- I can't tell him- I can't make him feel worse just because I feel bad…"

"I'll do it" Jackson offered as he gazed at her.

"No. No, I'll do it. I can do it. I just- I need a minute" she said as she fought tears. But after a moment her emotions only felt stronger and she began to break down.

"Hey" Jackson said softly as he put his arm around her. He rubbed her shoulder reassuringly and tried to fight tears from forming in his own eyes. He hated seeing April like this. He hated when she was upset. He didn't want her to be crying, he wanted her to be laughing. He wanted to be laughing with her.

April pulled away as she tried to catch her breath. Her eyes were fixed on Jackson's, her hair was a mess, and her lips were parted slightly. Jackson wanted nothing more than to brush the hair out of her face and feel her lips against his. Instantly, all of the feelings from before returned. Their emotional connection, their physical connection. Jackson and April leaned into each other until their lips were only inches from one another.

"I- I should probably go" April muttered nervously as she pulled back. "I should talk to the patient's husband, and I should check on Matt-"

"Is that what you really want to do?"

"No" April admitted as she looked into his eyes. "But this is wrong, we're both seeing other people."

"You're right" Jackson said as he cleared his throat. "You're right. And, there's a reason we didn't work out so…"

"I've missed you" April interrupted as she looked at him.

"I've missed you too, but hey, we're getting back on track."

"I didn't mean as a friend. I mean I did miss that too" she muttered nervously. But now, Jackson I _miss _you. I miss-"

"You miss sex?"

"Yeah" April admitted with a laugh. "Yeah, I guess that's it. I don't even know what I'm doing, I'm such a mess-"

"Hey, no. April, you are not a mess."

"Really?" she scoffed. "Look at me. I'm sobbing over losing a patient, and I'm nearly kissing my ex-boyfriend, if that's even what you ever were. And I mean- we broke up because I was so neurotic about sex and now I'm with a guy who wants the same thing I do and I just can't stop thinking about-"

"About sex?"

"No! Not about sex- well, I mean yeah but that isn't what's bothering me. Jackson I think about… about you. All the time. I miss you. I don't understand how this is all supposed to fit together."

"What are you talking about?" Jackson asked as he finally succumbed to one of his desires and tucked the stray of hair behind her ear.

"You belong with the person you belong with and then you should be with that person, right? Meredith belongs with Derek, Callie belongs with Arizona, Christina belongs with Owen, I mean even Mark and Lexie got to be together in the end in some poetic sense. If we aren't supposed to be together then why do I feel so…"

"So what?"

"I think I'm in love with you" she blurted out before she really thought it through. "Oh God" she sighed after a moment of awkward silence. "I need to stop this, I need to stop… This is bad, I shouldn't be talking to you about this."

"Um, we didn't break up because you were 'neurotic about sex' April."

"What are you talking about?"

"We broke up because I thought you didn't have feelings for me. I thought it was just sex for you."

"How could you think that?" she sighed. "Jackson, you're my best friend! Or you were anyway. It was never just sex between us, you know that."

"But you just said you were in love with me" Jackson said swallowing hard. "Did you mean that?"

April nodded as she gazed at him. "Yeah" she whispered. "I did, but does it really matter now?"

"It does matter. It's all that matters because I love you too" he smiled.

"But you're seeing Stephanie."

"I was trying to move on because I thought I had to, I thought-"

"You thought what?"

"I thought you could never love me like I love you. It hurt like hell, but now-"

"But now what?" she asked as she inched closer to him.

"Now" he said as he moved his face towards her. "Now that I know we feel the same way about each other what's keeping us apart?"

"We're still seeing other people."

"That doesn't mean anything. Derek saw his ex-wife when he was in love with Meredith, Callie slept with Mark when she was in love with Arizona, Owen had a one night stand while he was in love with Christina, and Lexie was with _me_ when she was in love with Mark. It wasn't clean-cut and easy. It was messy, they all made mistakes. But in the end, denying their feelings only did one thing. It took time away from them. Time that they could have had together. April, I'm sick of wasting time. I want to be with you."

"I want to be with you too. I _really_ want to be with you, but-"

"But what? But what? Why can't we be together April!"

"I don't know" she cried. "I don't know, I- I have to go!"

"April!"

"No, I'm sorry" she cried as she ran out. "I- I'm sorry."

"Damn it!" Jackson yelled as he stood up and punched a locker.

"You okay?" Alex asked as he entered the room.

"No" Jackson said. "No, I'm definitely not okay?"

"You wanna talk about it, or…"

"No" he said as he walked out of the room.

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"You can't just pretend that didn't happen!" Jackson said angrily once he found April in the hall.

"Jackson, please, not now. I can't do this right now. I've had a really bad day and…"

"And you're scared."

"Can we talk about this someplace private?" she whispered as she looked around.

"Are you going to run out on me again?" he muttered as they found an empty room.

"What do you want from me!" April yelled frustrated.

"Well to start I'd like you not to take off."

"I'm sorry" she sighed. "I shouldn't have done that, it's just-"

"It's just what?"

"It's was getting pretty intense in there."

"Yeah" Jackson agreed. "It was."

"And I…"

"And you what?"

"And if I stayed in there another minute I would have kissed you."

"Is that so bad?" Jackson smiled.

"Yes! No… I don't know. Jackson, I don't want to make a mistake here."

"So you are trying to choose between me and your paramedic?"

"No, I know that you're the one I want."

"You do?" he smiled.

"Yes! It's just- Jackson I screwed things up last time…bad."

"You weren't the only one who screwed up" he said reassuringly as he put his hand on her arm. "I screwed up too April. But, come on… There's something here. Something between us. Something undeniable. Something that makes me feel things I've never felt before. I've never been so happy, and frustrated, and angry, and confused, and so freaking turned on in my entire life than I am when I'm with you. And damn it I don't want it to stop. And, I miss you too April every day. And, I really really want to kiss you right now."

"I really want to kiss you too" she confessed as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Then kiss me" he whispered as he skimmed his hands over her body.

"If I do, I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from going further" she whispered back as her eyes darkened.

"Then don't" he smirked. "Do your worst Kepner."

**Please Review! This is a one-shot for now, but maybe if I get a good response I might add to it…**


	2. Chapter 2

"Whoa" April gasped as she turned over in bed to face Jackson.

"Yeah whoa" he agreed, struggling to find words. "That was really… whoa."

"I forgot how much fun that was" she said nervously as her nose wrinkled.

"Yeah?" he laughed. Jackson always found April's innocence charming. It was also sexy in an odd way that he knew he was the only one she'd ever done this with. The only thing that stopped him from going completely insane with jealousy when April started dating Matt was the knowledge that she had "revirginized." He knew they'd never go too far, and he used that knowledge as a source of comfort during some lonely nights.

"Yeah" she sighed as she leaned into his chest. She felt safe there, like nothing or no one could hurt her. Jackson was strong, and she knew he'd always protect her. That was one of the reasons she loved him.

"I missed you" he said stroking her hair softly.

"Me too, I mean I missed you not myself…" she mumbled nervously.

"I get it" he laughed. Though most of the doctors at Seattle had made it clear that they found how easily April flustered obnoxious, Jackson always found it adorable, even before they officially got together. He gazed at her for a moment trying to gage her reaction. She seemed happy, but then again she seemed happy after their first time too, it was only the next morning that he found out she was upset. He didn't want that to happen again. If there was something wrong with April he wanted to know about it, and he wanted to fix it.

"What is it?" she asked after a moment.

"Nothing, nothing- It's just. Are- are you okay? "

"Yeah" she smiled. "I'm doing pretty good actually."

"Do you feel...?"

"Guilty? Yeah, pretty much" she sighed as she considered all the implications of what they had just done. The last thing April Kepner ever thought she would be was a cheater. But then again, Jackson made her do a lot of things she never thought she'd do; made her feel a lot of things she'd never thought she'd feel. He made her different- he made her better. She felt more mature with him, more passionate, more… alive.

"Me too" he admitted. "But, hey this is what we wanted, right? We want to be together. We wouldn't be doing anyone any favors if we kept lying to ourselves."

"Right, I just don't know how I'm going to break this to Matt. He's so cute and innocent; it'll be like telling a little kid his puppy died or something" she groaned.

"Are you sure that Matt is the only problem?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you still feel bad about the whole premarital sex thing?" he blurted out suddenly as the memories of how their past liaisons would end played through his head like a bad movie. April would always feel guilty, she would always make it seem like this wasn't what she wanted, she would always leave.

"A little" she said sheepishly. "In a way, I think a part of me will always feel guilty, but this is what I want, I know that now. I tried to live without you, and … it taught me how much you mean to me. "

"I don't want it to be like before, I don't want you freaking out every time we do this. I love you, I want this to work between us, I want you to be happy that we're together not…"

"A neurotic mess?"

"I wasn't going to say it like that" he laughed. "But yeah. I want you to want this."

"I do" she smiled. "But, I can't promise that I won't ever freak out, because that's kind of what I do."

"If this is going to be a problem, I do know one thing we could do to solve it" Jackson suggested nervously.

"What's that?"

"We could get married" he said with a smile. He didn't really think about the words before they flew out of his mouth, but as he said them they felt right. Jackson wasn't sure if he'd ever settle down, but the thought of being with April forever and having an awesome wedding, and an awesome house, and an awesome kid, and an awesome life made him happy. Really happy. Happier than he'd ever been before.

"What?" she gasped.

"I mean, why not?" he laughed.

"Because… this is pretty sudden" April said flustered.

"Not really, I was ready to marry you back a few months ago. "

"Yeah, because you thought I was pregnant."

"That was the reason at first, but then-"

"Then what?"

"Then I really wanted to marry you April. When I found out that wasn't what you wanted too it-"

"I'm sorry" she interrupted. "I never meant to hurt your feelings."

"Whatever" he shrugged. "That's over now. Listen, I'm offering because I don't want you to feel bad, but if you need time to think through this, or you want us to date a little longer first-"

"No" she interrupted quickly.

"No?" he asked dejected.

"No, I mean no as in I don't need time. I want this. I want you." It was impulsive, and crazy, and not anything she'd ever even consider a few months ago, but that's what Jackson Avery did to her. That's what love did to her.

"Yeah?" he asked as a wide grin spread across his face.

"Yeah" she said happily as she pulled him into a kiss.

April pulled back and stared at Jackson for a second before she began to laugh.

"What?" Jackson asked curiously.

"Nothing, nothing. It's just- I've finally found it."

"Found what?"

"The person I'm mint to be with."

"What?" Jackson laughed.

"Nothing, nothing, it's just- I can't wait to marry you Jackson Avery."

"What?" a familiar voice yelled as the door flung open.

**So after the response I got I had to add to this! Thanks for the support everyone : )I know that the engagement is sudden, but I really think that they love each other enough. It was clear that they were both happy about the prospect earlier in the season, and I really don't see April's guilt completely going away any other way. So I thought it'd be a fun direction to go in, hope you like it! I promise I'll update soon, so you all can find out who is at the door ;). **

**Please Review!**


	3. Chapter 3

"What?" a familiar voice yelled as the door flung open and big brown, tear filled eyes met Jackson's.

"Stephanie" he responded nervously as he cursed internally. This wasn't the way he wanted the breakup with Stephanie to play out, he cared about her to a certain extent and he wanted to find the right way to end things, the way that would sting the least- and this definitely wasn't it.

"Oh my God" April gasped as her face reddened and she struggled to cover her chest with the sheet. In this scenario she was the other woman, a role she never thought she would play _ever_. She fought the temptation to pull the sheet over her face and hide herself from view completely.

"What- what is this?" Stephanie asked in a horrified whisper.

"Um, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go-" April mumbled as she struggled to gather her clothes.

"No, don't!" Jackson begged, the words flying out of his mouth before he had really thought them through. It probably was best for April to go, to miss out on whatever drama was going to unfold between him and Stephanie, but the truth was he didn't want April to leave…ever.

"No, it's okay, it's just- I shouldn't be here for this. You two should talk" April continued flustered.

"Talk about how you two just screwed!?" Stephanie seethed.

"Hey, don't" Jackson scolded. "This is between the two of us, leave April out of this."

Jackson's fierce protectiveness over April only heightened Stephanie's feelings of anger and betrayal. He was confirming her worst fears. He cared about this woman he was in bed with a great deal, more than he ever cared about her. She knew Jackson was the one she was really mad at, but for some reason it seemed easier to direct her feelings at April. "Aren't you supposed to be some type of chaste virgin?" she snapped.

April's face reddened further. "Oh, um…"

"Looks like that's changed" she scoffed. "Now you're just a regular whore."

"Hey!" Jackson yelled. "Don't talk to her like that!" He tried to understand, Stephanie was in pain and was just lashing out, but hearing those words pissed him off to no end. Mostly because he knew how greatly they would devastate April. He feared she would believe what Stephanie was saying, which of course wasn't true. April wasn't a whore. She had only ever been with him. She was his April and he loved her, and he wasn't going to let anybody, not even the woman he felt guilty for hurting, talk to her that way.

"I'm sorry" April whispered. "I never meant to…"

"You have nothing to apologize for" Jackson interrupted quickly, wanting to put her mind at ease. "You didn't do anything wrong. Stephanie, I should have broken things off with you before-"

"Before jumping into bed with Dr. Kepner?" she interrupted shakily as the full weight of the humiliation crushed down on her. "Yeah, you should have."

"I'm sorry, but I was never your boyfriend. We were never in a relationship, it was just-"

"Sex? Yeah, I know that" she scoffed. "You don't think I know that? You always held back, I figured it was because you were scared of getting hurt, but it was really because you were in love with _her_?"

"Yeah" Jackson answered honestly. "I think I've always been in love with her, it just took me some time to realize it."

April tried to fight a smile from wiping across her face until she looked at Stephanie. She looked angry, and devastated, and confused. Kind of like April felt after her break up with Jackson. A fresh wave of guilt swept over her, and her urge to leave the room grew even stronger. "I really should go."

"Don't bother" Stephanie snapped. "I'll go. Congratulations by the way, you two deserve each other."

With a slam of the door Stephanie was gone, but the tension lingered in the air behind her, remaining between April and Jackson.

"Wow" April sighed after a moment. "That was… bad."

"Yeah it was" Jackson agreed. "But hey, it's over now."

"I've never been called a whore before" she added as she tried to process what she was feeling.

"That's because you aren't a whore" Jackson said softly as he pulled her into his chest. "Nothing she said about you was true. Come on, you know that."

"I don't blame her for being mad. I deserve it."

"No you don't" he scoffed. "I'm the one to blame here. You weren't the one sleeping with her; you weren't the one responsible for breaking things off with her."

"I was the one responsible for breaking things off with Matt" she answered guilty. "Oh God, what were we thinking?" Her head was still ringing from her last awkward confrontation with a scorned lover and now she had to go face round two.

"We were thinking that we love each other and we need to be together" he answered as he guided her hand to his mouth and gently kissed her knuckles. "And now I'm thinking about how a nice, big diamond ring will look on one of these fingers."

"A big diamond ring?" April asked as her eyes widened and a big grin spread across her face.

"At least two carats" he smiled. "You deserve it."

Jackson's words served the opposite purpose that they were intended to as Stephanie's departing words played through her head.

"This is going to devastate Matt" she groaned as she covered her face with her hands.

"Go tell him, now" Jackson sighed as he released April from his arms and gently guided her to the other side of the bed so they could face each other.

"Why?" April gasped terrified by the prospect. Why did it have to be now? Why was he so insistent all of the sudden.

"This is a huge moment for us April, I want to enjoy it with you, and if you're going to freak out about Matt until you tell him, I'd rather you just get it over with. The last thing you need is another excuse to feel guilty" he added smiling fondly at her.

"I hate this" she grimaced. "I've never done this before, broken anyone's heart."

"That isn't true" Jackson scoffed.

"What are you talking about?"

"April Kepner you are gorgeous, and sweet, and funny, and smart. I'm sure you've broken plenty of hearts over the years. Dr. Stark comes to mind, oh and me."

"I broke your heart?" she asked sadly.

"Are you kidding me?"

"No" she answered. "I'm not kidding. Tell me. Did I break your heart Jackson?"

"Into a million pieces" he confessed. "But now I have you back and I've never been happier. Now go break the news to your goody-goody boyfriend, because I have something else I want to do with you before it's too late."

"What's that?" April asked as her curiosity overpowered her urge to scold Jackson for taking a dig at Matt.

"I want us to tell my mother we're getting married!"

"What?" April gasped. "Oh my God, she'll be so shocked."

"In a good way" he laughed. "She loves you. So go Kepner, go get the bad part of the night over with so we can enjoy the good part."

"Okay" she pouted as she leaned over to kiss him. "I love you."

"I love you too" he smiled. "Now go!"

**I'm so so sorry I didn't update sooner. I had every intention of it, but life got crazy, and I had a little trouble with some writer's block on this one. Hope you liked this one though! Please Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey" Jackson smiled brightly as his new fiancée reentered the room they had just reacquainted themselves in. He couldn't help but smile to himself when he remembered how desperate he had been to make love to her; she must have been pretty desperate as well, because neither of them had been willing to wait until they left the hospital.

"Hey" she replied sheepishly.

"Oh no" he sighed noting the look on her face. "What's wrong?"

"Things didn't go so well with Matt" she groaned as she sat next to him on the bed.

"Did he take it bad?" Jackson cringed.

"No, he didn't take it all."

"You didn't tell him?"

"I…couldn't."

"April-"

"Jackson, he told me that he loved me" she admitted with a pained expression.

"Did you say it back?" he asked urgently, the words flying out of his mouth before he managed to keep his insecurities in check.

"No" April gasped. "Of course not, I couldn't do that. Jackson, you're the one I love, you know that."

"Sorry" he muttered apologetically. "Of course not. It's just- what did you tell him?"

"Nothing" she shrugged. "I couldn't say anything I just sort of nodded and walked away."

A huge grin spread across Jackson's face as he imagined the scene. April all cute and flustered the way she got so often.

"What?" she asked, trying to sound angry, but failing miserably as his infectious grin caused her to smile as well.

"Nothing, I just can't wait to marry you" he laughed as he kissed her nose. "But, before we can do that, you have to break up with your paramedic."

"Come on" he urged her as he got up and reached his hand out to her.

"Alright" she groaned. "But don't say I never did anything for you."

He shook his head as he struggled not to laugh at her words. He would never say that April never did anything for him, because that would be a huge lie. She had made him the happiest man in the world.

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"Just get it over with" Jackson urged April as he nudged her arm.

"I have no idea how to break up with someone" April said frantically.

"You could try telling him you think you might be pregnant, and then when you find out you aren't act all relieved that you aren't forced to be with him. That worked for you last time" he teased hoping April wouldn't take the joke too seriously.

"Jackson!" she scolded.

"Just do it" he laughed. "Tell him- I don't know- that he's a really nice guy, but that the two of you just aren't meant to be."

"Because I'm 'mint to be' with you" she grinned.

"I still don't know what that means" he smiled as he fought the urge to kiss her. "Now go talk to your paramedic."

"Fine" she groaned. "I'm going, I'm going."

"What was that?" Meredith asked Jackson excitedly as April disappeared into Matt's room.

"What?" Jackson asked, unable to stop himself from grinning widely.

"Are you two back together?" Meredith asked happily.

"Yeah" Jackson nodded.

"What happened?" she gasped.

"I don't know, we both just finally stopped fighting it and admitted we're in love" he explained, trying to put into words what had happened between them. It was so wonderful, and so unexpected, but in a way so inevitable. Somewhere deep inside he always knew it would be April in the end.

"That great!" Meredith beamed as she hugged him. "Can I tell you a little secret?"

"What's that?"

"I always thought you two would be cute together, ever since that time you punched Alex."

"Don't remind me" Jackson cringed. Karev was one of his best friends, but thinking about April crying like she was that night made him want to punch him in the face all over again.

"You look so happy" Meredith added, interrupting his thoughts.

"I am" he said shyly. "I don't think I've ever been this happy. I can't believe April actually agreed to marry me."

"What!?" Meredith gaped.

"Oh damn!" Jackson cursed. "I probably shouldn't have told you that." April was already so stressed out about how things had played out between her and Matt and him and Stephanie, the last thing she needed was the stress of the entire hospital knowing about their engagement right away.

"You two got engaged!?"

"Shh" Jackson scolded. "I don't know who April wants knowing about this. We'll probably want to keep it quiet at first."

"Why? You're happy! Why not let everyone here be happy with you?"

"Because, _everyone _is not going to be happy" he whispered.

"Oh" Meredith gasped. "Stephanie."

"And Matt" he added. "April and I decided to stop denying what we felt for each other, and be together but that doesn't mean we want to rub it in."

"Right" she nodded knowingly. "Don't worry I'll keep it quiet."

"Thanks" he smiled.

"But, Jackson?"

"Yeah?"

"I am really happy for both of you. Really. You both deserve each other, you both deserve to be happy" she said walking away with a big smile on her face.

Jackson knew his secret would be safe with Meredith, he wasn't worried about that. He was a little worried about how things were going with April and Matt though. April was still in there which made him a little nervous. He feared that when she finally did emerge from the room she'd be upset and he'd have to comfort her… Then again, comforting April didn't sound all that bad, especially since he'd get to do it for the rest of his life.

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"Hey" April said nervously as she entered Matt's room.

"April" he responded as his face lit up.

"Sorry I ran out before" she muttered apologetically.

"It's okay" he said softly as he took her hand. "I'm sorry too, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"You didn't" she said as she moved her hand away from his. "It's just…"

"Hey" he said gently. "April, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry" she said as she turned away from him.

"Sorry for what?"

"We have to break up" she admitted, the words spilling out of her mouth as quickly as she could make them.

"I'm sorry" he repeated. "I moved to fast, I freaked you out…."

"No" she interrupted as she turned back and looked him in the eye. "It isn't your fault Matt, it's mine. I've been lying to you. This whole relationship has been a lie." It all started to make sense to her as the words came out of her mouth: why she had been with Matt, why she had stayed away from Jackson.

"What are you talking about?" he asked as his face wrinkled in confusion.

"I guess I was using you in a way. I never meant to, but I used you to try to convince myself that I was the same, the girl I was before…"

"Before what?" he asked urgently.

"Before I fell in love with Jackson Avery" she admitted tearfully. "But I can't deny it anymore, it changed me. He changed me. He made me feel things that I never even imagined… Anyway, I'll spare you the details."

"You've been in love with him this whole time?" he asked as his eyes filled with tears.

April nodded. "I'm so sorry" she said under her breath.

"Well" he sighed. "It is what it is."

"I'd still like to be your friend" she added with a forced smile.

"No" he scoffed. "No, I don't think that's a good idea. I still love you April, I don't see that changing anytime soon."

"So, this is goodbye?" she asked sadly.

"This is goodbye" he confirmed. "Goodbye April Kepner, I hope you have a great life."

"I wish that for you too" she said as she made her way to the door. "Goodbye Matt."

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"How'd it go?" Jackson asked as he put his arm around her.

"As good as it could of I guess" she sighed. "I'm glad it's over."

"Me too" he smiled. "Because now comes the fun part."

"What do you mean?" April asked in a playful suspicious tone.

"My mother is waiting for us at Joe's" he smiled. "So my guess is that you're going to be spending the rest of the night do girly wedding planning stuff with her."

"The _rest _of the night?" April asked sadly.

"Well, until I get you home that is" he grinned. "Come here" he added as he quickly pulled her into his arms and kissed her softly.

"You happy?" he asked as she pulled back.

"Happier than I ever have been" she admitted. "You?"

"Same" he grinned. "Come on, we have a wedding to plan."

**Please Review!**


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